I’m so physically and mentally tired. I try and try and try to succeed in things but it’s not working.
I’ve been having urges to self harm but I haven’t. Robert has helped with that recently. Sometimes I’m just like BUT IT’S SO EASY TO JUST DO IT AND FEEL BETTER but then I remember Yeah I will feel better for a few seconds then be flooded with regret and more sadness. So I don’t.
People are mad at me and I kinda don’t have enough energy in me to care. Maybe if I sleep I’ll care in a few days. I don’t know. A lot of things that are being thrown my way are situations most people deal with when they are 11, not 16. I’m not taking childish things seriously. I’m just kinda only being responsible for the things I can control and at the end of the day if someone doesn’t like me, then okay. I need to focus on school and people who genuinely care about me and treat me like I’m worth something.
On the plus side of things; I may get to see one of my good friends tomorrow for the first time in a really long time. I miss her a lot and I’m so happy to catch up with her. Also, today is me and Robert’s 10 months. :-)
There is physically and mentally only so much I can do for other people. I feel so sad that I can’t magically fix other people’s problems but at the same time I have to remind myself that I don’t have to. It’s not my responsibility to make everyone happy. Yes, I am here to listen and give the best advice I can but I shouldn’t be so consumed with other people’s life and issues that it causes me to have more of my own. Heck, I can barley walk down the hall without construct a new problem of my own in my head so why should I take on someone else’s? I need to step back from everything and think about myself for once. If I can’t take care of myself first, how will I be able to take care of other people?
I am so incredibly over high school. One moment someone is your friend but the second they get around someone else they act different. They say things to your face then turn around and something different to someone else. It’s hurtful to be the one person in the group who is obviously not like the rest. It’s almost like I am used just to be laughed at or made fun of. Oh Lindsay is the “weird” one or she’s the “lame” one and let’s not forget the infamous “goth”/”emo”/”green box kid” which I am none of, to be clear. I try to get away from people who bring me down but it’s like they follow me. Then if I manage to get away form them OH MY GOSH IT IS WORLD WAR 3 SHE LEFT I CAN’T BELIEVE IT SHE HATES US WHY DOES SHE NOT TALK TO US well gee maybe because you never talk to me and when you do it’s rude. I need to surround myself with people who actually love me and like being around me. I am lucky to say that I do have a handful of people that are my true friends but it breaks my heart to say that I have a handful that are not.
I came home from starbucks with my sister early because my dad called and said my mom needed my sister for something. I was irritated cause I had already been having a disappointing day. I get home and I start complaining to my dad and he’s like “You’re mom needs you in the backyard.” So i open the back door and Robert is standing there with a giant sign (like taller than me by a foot or two) and it had prom? in big letters surrounded by pictures of us and inside jokes. He then read me a poem he wrote, by this point I was sobbing. Of course, I said yes then I told him happy birthday!
I love Robert so much. He is so selfless and caring. I wouldn’t have spent these last almost 10 months with anyone else. So babe, I hope your birthday was fantastic. You deserve the world. :-)
it’s like anything i say just goes in one ear and out the other. nothing matters to you anymore, I don’t matter.
I really can’t tell if my medicine is working or not. It’s a pretty low dose of Celexa, but I’ve never been on medication before so I don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like. Am I supposed to feel more happy? My anxiety has gone down a bit but I have noticed it rise up again recently.
I’ve been having a few self harm urges recently but I haven’t relapsed. I’ve been two months clean I think? Maybe a little long, I honestly can’t remember. I just find myself getting so emotionally wrapped up into situations and people that it makes me get devastated over the smallest issues. I’m pretty good at dealing with my urges, honestly. I’m just afraid that something may push me over the edge.
If any of you could share your experiences with Celexa I would really appreciate it!
Tomorrow is going to be such a long day, I can already feel it. I hate deciding a day will be bad right off the bat but I have a gut feeling. I don’t remember the last time I have stayed up this late on a school night. I am going to be so grumpy. I’ve been trying to lay off the coffee recently but I think I will have to drink some in the morning. Where are the people I normally talk to at 1:30am when I need them? tragic
A few thoughts.
I hate that when interracial relationships are brought up, in regards to black and white relationships, and if the female is white they have to bring up the “once you go black you never go back” and other remarks having to do with sex. It’s like, if the female is white other people think it’s funny and shocking. A few months ago I couldn’t go on the wwbm (white woman black male) tag without basically only seeing porn, and if you go on the general interracial tag you see all black females with white men. It’s so rare to see cute “interracial couple” pictures with a black male and a white female. I wish people would see that love is love no matter what race and not make snide remarks to people because of their significant other or whom they choose to be around.
also, I will never understand why people tag photos with a black female and white male with “wwbm”.
I don’t know. I just needed to rant a little bit.
this was my first real valentines day and it was fantastic. Robert made me dinner, then he surprised me with watching les mis (he swore he would never watch it with me since we first started dating), we gave each other gifts (HE GOT ME A CORAL CATUS!!!!!!!) and we cuddled a whole bunch while watching Dawn of the Dead. I’m going over to his house again tomorrow to eat lunch with his family.
I love being in love with my best friend.
DO YOU EVER JUST SIT BACK AND THINK ABOUT HOW CUTE YOUR FRIENDS ARE? CAUSE ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE SO CUTE WOW GO YOU LIKE YES ALL OF YOUR FACES MAKE ME SMILE AND I WANNA KISS YOUR CHEEKS AND TELL YOU HOW CUTE YOU ARE SO YOU NEVER FEEL SAD EVER LIKE WOW YES SO CUTE