I’ve been looking into a lot of colleges to go to recently. I really like Hunter College, Manhattan College, and Portland State University as out of state schools. If I have to stay in state I would choose between Georgia State and Georgia Southern. 

I’m more interested in the out of state schools so any feed back would be appreciated!

feeling incredibly alone.

It’s funny how you can be surrounded by so many yet feel like you know no one. My hands keep trying to hold on to things but it all seems to be slipping away; especially people who mean a lot to me. It’s getting hard to smile at people when I’m about to cry and it’s getting hard to look people in the eye when i feel useless to them. I feel like no one is communicating with me. It’s like I’m left out of every conversation even if I’m screaming to get my point across. Part of me wants to fight but the other half of me wants to get in bed for days and pretend I don’t exist. But I can’t do that because I’m “better” and I’m “recovering”. I always hear the ” you’ve come such a long way” speech and “I am so proud of you! You aren’t sad anymore”. Which isn’t true at all. I feel like now I’m not allowed to be sad or upset because it will make people think I want to kill myself again or I want to hurt myself or I’m cutting myself off forever. I just want to feel but everything I feel seems wrong.

too many thoughts, no one to talk to.

on the bright side of things I finished half of a project in one night.

xxoo 

Since it’s spring I guess things has been getting brighter and happier and I’ve noticed a lot more things I am thankful for. 

I’m thankful for my parents. As much as they annoy me and I disrespect them and don’t do what they say sometimes (most of the time), I love them so much and they love me! They put up with me and my mistakes. They’ve been with me these past 6 months through all my medical and emotional issues. In the moment when everything was I dark I would cry and complain to my journal and boyfriend about how “they don’t care, I’m all alone, blah blah blah”, but looking back they were there and were just as confused and concerned as I was. They never gave up on me even when I gave up on myself. Their love for me is so bold and I am so thankful to have them.

I’m thankful for my sister, Kayla. She has moved back home for this semester and has been so kind to me. Growing up we never really got a long but as we both got older we started to appreciate each other. We go on Friday “fry dates” where we eat fries and talk about our week. Kayla is always there for me when I’m upset or when I need to share a funny story with. She is honestly one of my best friends and I couldn’t ask for a better sister. She’s moving to Colorado in the coming months and I’m a little sad about it. I’m actually tearing up while I write this. She’s such a great person and I will always wish the best for her. Her ability to make people smile is amazing.

I am thankful for my grandmother. My grandmother has always lived 5 minutes away from me so I’ve always been with her growing up. These past 2 years I’ve started to appreciate my time with her more and talk to her about more real things. When I was younger we would just have casual conversations but now we are having real conversations about real things. It’s really special to talk to her about things that matter and to hear her stories. We are so much a like and she does so much for me.

Lastly, I am thankful for Robert. I’ve known him over a year yet it feels like I have known him for a lifetime. I have always known I’ve been lucky to have him but it hit me hard on Saturday. I was at his house and he was playing a video game with his brother and I was sitting in his room alone. My mind traveled and drifted to a dark place, I didn’t know why or why but it did. I wanted to harm myself. My bran kept telling me terrible things about myself and I was scared. He came upstairs and saw I was upset and I tried to make up excuses why I was upset like “you weren’t paying attention to me” or something stupid like that but it was just a cover up. He noticed I was getting more upset and I tried to hurt myself. He just embraced me and held my arms and as much I tried to fit it I just gave up. And in that moment he put all his strength into me just to keep me safe form myself. As much as I wish I wasn’t like this and as much as I wish I didn’t have depression, he loves me despite it and he cares for me when I need it. He is always by there for me and always looking out for me. He is my best friend and I am completely in love with him. 

xxoo

had such a special moment with a special boy on a rooftop today :-)

sorry about my passive aggressive american apparel selfie 

I only want to hear your voice.

I’m so physically and mentally tired. I try and try and try to succeed in things but it’s not working. 

I’ve been having urges to self harm but I haven’t. Robert has helped with that recently. Sometimes I’m just like BUT  IT’S SO EASY TO JUST DO IT AND FEEL BETTER but then I remember Yeah I will feel better for a few seconds then be flooded with regret and more sadness. So I don’t.

People are mad at me and I kinda don’t have enough energy in me to care. Maybe if I sleep I’ll care in a few days. I don’t know. A lot of things that are being thrown my way are situations most people deal with when they are 11, not 16. I’m not taking childish things seriously. I’m just kinda only being responsible for the things I can control and at the end of the day if someone doesn’t like me, then okay. I need to focus on school and people who genuinely care about me and treat me like I’m worth something.

On the plus side of things; I may get to see one of my good friends tomorrow for the first time in a really long time. I miss her a lot and I’m so happy to catch up with her. Also, today is me and Robert’s 10 months. :-)

xxoo

long

sad

boring

sad

sad

sad

sad

day, goodnight

There is physically and mentally only so much I can do for other people. I feel so sad that I can’t magically fix other people’s problems but at the same time I have to remind myself that I don’t have to. It’s not my responsibility to make everyone happy. Yes,  I am here to listen and give the best advice I can but I shouldn’t be so consumed with other people’s life and issues that it causes me to have more of my own. Heck, I can barley walk down the hall without construct a new problem of my own in my head so why should I take on someone else’s? I need to step back from everything and think about myself for once. If I can’t take care of myself first, how will I be able to take care of other people?

Also- 

I am so incredibly over high school. One moment someone is your friend but the second they get around someone else they act different. They say things to your face then turn around and something different to someone else. It’s hurtful to be the one person in the group who is obviously not like the rest. It’s almost like I am used just to be laughed at or made fun of. Oh Lindsay is the “weird” one or she’s the “lame” one and let’s not forget the infamous “goth”/”emo”/”green box kid” which I am none of, to be clear. I try to get away from people who bring me down but it’s like they follow me. Then if I manage to get away form them OH MY GOSH IT IS WORLD WAR 3 SHE LEFT I CAN’T BELIEVE IT SHE HATES US WHY DOES SHE NOT TALK TO US well gee maybe because you never talk to me and when you do it’s rude. I need to surround myself with people who actually love me and like being around me. I am lucky to say that I do have a handful of people that are my true friends but it breaks my heart to say that I have a handful that are not. 

xxoo

My boyfriend asked me to prom on his birthday.

I came home from starbucks with my sister early because my dad called and said my mom needed my sister for something. I was irritated cause I had already been having a disappointing day. I get home and I start complaining to my dad and he’s like “You’re mom needs you in the backyard.” So i open the back door and Robert is standing there with a giant sign (like taller than me by a foot or two) and it had prom? in big letters surrounded by pictures of us and inside jokes. He then read me a poem he wrote, by this point I was sobbing. Of course, I said yes then I told him happy birthday!

I love Robert so much. He is so selfless and caring. I wouldn’t have spent these last almost 10 months with anyone else. So babe, I hope your birthday was fantastic. You deserve the world. :-)

xxoo

terribly sad

it’s like anything i say just goes in one ear and out the other. nothing matters to you anymore, I don’t matter.

I really can’t tell if my medicine is working or not. It’s a pretty low dose of Celexa, but I’ve never been on medication before so I don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like. Am I supposed to feel more happy? My anxiety has gone down a bit but I have noticed it rise up again recently. 

I’ve been having a few self harm urges recently but I haven’t relapsed. I’ve been two months clean I think? Maybe a little long, I honestly can’t remember. I just find myself getting so emotionally wrapped up into situations and people that it makes me get devastated over the smallest issues. I’m pretty good at dealing with my urges, honestly. I’m just afraid that something may push me over the edge.

If any of you could share your experiences with Celexa I would really appreciate it!

xxoo

Tomorrow is going to be such a long day, I can already feel it. I hate deciding a day will be bad right off the bat but I have a gut feeling. I don’t remember the last time I have stayed up this late on a school night. I am going to be so grumpy. I’ve been trying to lay off the coffee recently but I think I will have to drink some in the morning. Where are the people I normally talk to at 1:30am when I need them? tragic

I cannot sleep to save my life and i have school tomorrow

wow

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