Wow these last three weeks have been very hard, but last night was my breaking point.

I got sick with gastritis three weeks ago which caused my anxiety to get worse. I started fearing death and having trouble taking deep breaths. I thought it would go away after three or so days, but here I am today still being miserable. 

Yesterday I was on the depression side of my bi-polar disorder and I thought talking to Robert about my feelings would make me feel better. Boy, was I wrong.

I explained to him how bad my panic attacks were getting and how I felt hopeless. I even mentioned how I thought about cutting again because that seemed like the only way I could in control of something. He then told me that every teenager feels this way and I shouldn’t be complaining.

I snapped. I tried to hold myself back but it’s like this hurt, sad, angry personality filled my brain and I relapsed. To be honest, I don’t know how long it’s been since I last cut. I thought I was getting better. Therapy had been going good and I normal could cope a lot better. But yesterday everything was building up and I couldn’t handle it. 

Since I was crying so much I couldn’t breathe through my nose, which is what I do to calm myself a little. So then I felt as if I wasn’t getting enough air and cried even more. At this point all I wanted was my mom.

I felt bad for waking her up but my mind was telling me “you are going to die because you are not getting enough oxygen”. I ended up telling her that i relapsed and she calmed me down the best she could. She scheduled a session with my therapist today and we are going to talk about treatment centers and see if it would be best for me to go there.

I guess through these past weeks I’ve realized how lucky I am to have the mom I do. I know a lot of people who have depression, bi-polar disorder, eating disorders, etc. and their parents kind of brush it off. I’m glad my mom takes it seriously now and understands that I can’t control on my own yet.

Although going to a treatment center may not be the most fun experience, I think it may be the most helpful thing at this time. My mom has an appointment to get tested for panic disorder in January but at the looks of everything, I need help sooner.

I’m thankful that I am not afraid of admitting that I have issues that need to be resolved. I used to not want to admit I had emotional problems or that I had thoughts of hurting myself. But really, telling people about it is the only way I can get better.

In time things will work out. I know God has a plan, and I’m trying to remember that HE is in control although I feel I need to be at times.

My x-rays and blood work came back all clear.

It turns out that I have not only been having gastritis but also a bunch of panic attacks which have been causing fatigue, chest pains, shortness of breath, etc. 

So now I am going back to a doctor to see if I can get anxiety medicine.

And the only reason my anxiety got this bad was because I was stupid and did spice (synthetic weed) one time. 

But, The Lord has taught me so much through my mistakes. His plan really is the ultimate plan.

Hopefully I will be feeling back to normal soon. I just have to keep my focus on praying and getting my heart rate down.

I’m on my way to the hospital to get X-rays and blood work done.
Not my ideal Monday, but whatever leads to me being healthy again is what I have to do.

Hey check out my covers! I'd appreciate it so much :)

*update 3*



*update 2*

the tag has a plethora of different posts, i am slightly confused  


i think they just post about deer 

what does bambi blog even mean


Joe Jonas has a little more respect from me.

I absolutely hate having gastritis.

This is the most pain I’ve ever been in. I’m going to the doctor again today, but I’m not really having much hope. My chest has been hurting a lot these past 4 or so days.

PLUS I can’t eat anything chocolate or peppermint (that’s just a few things I have to cut out) BUT IT’S DECEMBER AND PEPPERMINT BARK IS MY FAVORITE THING :-(

I just saw a quite ignorant post under the WWBM tag.
She was basically saying that a white male or female should not marry out of their race because their children will be colorblind to their race and not accept their true self.

Being a white female dating a black male, I feel uneasy over this. If I were to marry Robert and have children, they would know their family history. They would see that they obviously have a black father and part of them is black. They would also see that their mom is white and part of them is white. I would teach them about equality and how the color of skin isn’t a boundary.
It just bothers me that some people think that if there is a mixed child, the white parent will try to take away certain values of their child like their other half.
Clearly the person who made that post has never spoken to an interracial couple completely and is very close minded. It makes me sick to my stomach that in 2013 people are still bothered of interracial couples.
Love has no race.


so this thanksgiving i conveniently have gastritis. I was diagnosed on Tuesday with my normal doctor because since last Friday I felt bloated and abdominal pains. Wednesday night my stomach pains were sharp, so I went to an urgent care place. Not realizing spicy food would make it worse, I had eaten pizza and lime shrimp noodles that day. The urgent care doctor told me just what my regular doctor had but prescribed me some more medicine. I’ve been taking an acid pill and also a pill for nausea and bloating. The nausea pill only works some of the time. But today my body decided to give me a dose of chest pains. I’ve been laying around all day in so much plain. I ate a very little amount of our thanksgiving dinner and I felt instantly full. My doctor said it should be over in a week, but I’m kinda doubting her after reading all of these other stories. After having an ear infection that affected my tummy a month ago I thought I was done with this. I guess not.
I feel like I need to see a doctor about my chest pains though? the paper I got at the urgent care said if I get chest pains i should promptly get medical attention, but my parents are doing so. I just want to be healthy.
on the bright side Robert is coming over tomorrow and I did get to see y family today.
hopefully you guys had a less painful thanksgiving than I did.